Sour Klaus and the Mustards: The Umbrella Academy Band

By Bradley Sutherland

The Umbrella Academy delivers one of the best ensembles ever to step foot in the rapidly expanding Originalverse. It’s some Stranger Things-type casting, where the best character ALSO goes by a number, even rivaling Millie Bobby Brown’s Eleven for baddest ass around in any time, space or dimension.

Would it be asking too much then to see Five and Eleven as high school sweethearts in a 2021 Umbrella-Stranger Things crossover? I’m as confident as The Handler is in Five that I’m the first to suggest such an event, as well as predict a future Young Hollywood Power Couple: Sixteen.

But until this late-night nerd fantasy comes to fruition, my imagining some sort of Umbrella Academy Super Band will have to suffice. Behold, the founding members of Sour Klaus and the Mustards.

Klaus – Lead Singer

Spicy, broken, hyper, loveable, tragic: Klaus is the prototype for a predictably unpredictable, out-of-control front man. While his time jump affair with Dave was one of the sweetest and saddest subway sandwich plots of the series, Klaus is also promiscuous, and there’s no doubt all eyes would be intensely zeroed in as he seductively strutted, pranced, and stumbled across the stage.

Number Five – Old Typewriter

Five doesn’t have any time for your shit, nor time to play percussion on a kit, so he hammers away on an old typewriter instead. This allows Five not only to work and play at the same time, but it also provides him with just a little bit of goddamn peace and quiet. We all know Five (not Luther) is the backbone of the family, and he couldn’t be more annoyed by it. Such would be expressed through the syncopated punches and thuds of his old, crusty typewriter.

Vanya – White Violin

The most tragic character in the series (perhaps in the entire Originalverse), Vanya is also the world’s most dangerous violin player. Teetering on the edge of supervillainry, thanks to Leonard the Bitch Weasel, Vanya hauntingly shredding away on her patented White Lightning Violin would be sure to pack venues all over the globe, even if it meant most audiences probably wouldn’t make it out alive.

Hazel and Cha Cha… and Agnes – Horn Section

From the moment we see them dance while demolishing a laboratory control room, it’s a done deal on who the funkiest characters in the series are. The duo have the loooooooonnnnnng history and the strong chemistry necessary for a stellar horn section, but just as Hazel starts to leave Cha Cha in the dust during the third act of the series, so too will he pull away from her in the band. Agnes will be forced to step in after Cha Cha goes batshit with jealousy over Hazel’s rapid improvement.

The transition will be seamless, however, as Agnes—so ever desperate for an adventure—will have been riding along with the band as both a roadie and interstate birder, regularly providing the band with donuts for their roadside snacks.

Luther – Oversized Standup Bass

Luther would play an oversized standup bass. Like WAY oversized. To the point he starts coming to gigs with a giant pool cover draped over his instrument, casually shoving his arm under the tarp and plucking away at a giant set of strings, as if every single person on the planet was completely oblivious to the fact he was playing an offensively oversized bass. Luther would be a solid player, however, and the band would be better because of him, and blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Chimpanzee Alfred – Manager

Chimpanzee Alfred aka Pogo will manage Sour Klaus and the Mustards, until he can’t help but break it to Luther that everyone knows he’s playing an offensively oversized bass. This ultimately breaks up the band, after Luther leaves the group in total devastation.

A few weeks later, Luther rounds up all the siblings again, under the guise of reunion, and then slaughters them. You may think this is out of character for Luther, but the reason they all get together at the beginning of the series is because of his unwarranted sibling suspicion. Plus, he was always on the edge of going completely apeshit anyway. They all were. Their dad was a major asshole.

Sour Klaus and the Mustards: 2019-2022.

What’s the name of their first album? Hit song titles? What kind of music would they even play?

Comment with your best ideas below.

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