By Poopbutt Jenkins
I Grubhubbed two boxes of loaded nachos and watched this movie doused in sweat. Here’s what I observed along the way.
I Am Mother
Mother gives Baby first chomp in growing-up montage.
Baby takes early lead w/ 1 second of chomp time.
Possible apple drawing on wall behind Mother.
Young Girl places Pizza sticker on bed.
Stomach makes strange noise. Almost sounds Latin.
Snack Scene! Daughter now has 13 seconds of chomp time!!!
Unable to determine what she is eating, but there is an orange liquid present.
During Daughter’s Ethics portion of the exam, there are five humans on screen, each with a highlighted organ in need of a transplant. The patient on the far left has their stomach highlighted.
Daughter fiddles with future TV dinner. Looks like corn, black beans, rice and one other side.
Future Tang makes second appearance.
THERE’S A CUPCAKE IN BACKGROUND!
Mother says she tried a new recipe for her cake. We never see it.
Woman shows up to the party with no snacks.
Droids have starved families, mentions Woman.
Was the extinction due to lack of snacks?!?!
Johnny Carson mentions he can’t eat before a show
I sneeze and things get tense.
A tray of corn, beans, rice and other shit appears with 1:02:42 left. Daughter serves Woman.
Woman takes one bite of corn, two bites of rice, and two bites of black beans. Goes ape shit and chomps for 27 seconds.
Total Chomp Time = 41 seconds
Woman = 27 seconds
Daughter = 13 seconds
Baby = 1 Second
Daughter mentions they have enough food and supplies. Swank is unimpressed.
Woman reveals her mission was a night run to get food.
Snacks are the centerpiece of plot.
I fart so loud, my cat Twinkie leaps off the couch and destroys my miniblinds.
Ear of corn makes an appearance during exam to bring Snack Scene total to five. Corn has appeared three times.
Formula Snack = 60 ml of water to 9 grams of powder.
Cornfields = fourth appearance. But won’t count as snack scene.
Corn mentioned yet again.
Canned corn present in Woman’s barge.
The last humans Woman saw were going mad with hunger.
Lack of snacks once again proving to be central to entire plot.
Woman prepares bowl of mystery snack, but Daughter has bailed.
Sketchy Snack Stats
- 8 Snack Scenes*
- 44 Total Scenes**
- 18% Snacky
- Total Chomp Time*** = 41 seconds
- Woman Chomp Time = 27 seconds
- Daughter Chomp Time = 13 seconds
- Baby Chomp Time = 1 second
- 1st snack scene and 1st second of chomp time is at 4:50
- 0.6% of movie is spent chomping
- Woman’s book is The Gods of Mars by Edgar RICE Burroughs
- It’s about a fictional Civil War vet, John Carter, waking up on a Mars, where, among other things, residents are tricked into being eaten by beasts and/or cannibals
- Corn appears 5 times but is only eaten once onscreen
- Mother never eats shit, but she has 16 seconds of charge time
- Future baby food, Future Tang, Apple, Pizza, Corn, Black Beans, Rice, Cupcake, Formula
*The term Snack refers to all the food
**The term Scene refers to Poopbutt’s interpretation of such
***All Chomp Time recorded via iPhone stopwatch app and is therefore subject to the quickness of Poopbutt’s thumbs.
Editor’s Note: All numbers were compiled via pen tally and stopwatch app by Poopbutt Jenkins, while under a considerable amount of duress. He tried his most.